Processing Grief

10/15/2018

by Cailin O'Hara, MAcOM, LAc, Dipl OM

Does it ever end?

We can remember a loss from a decade ago and cry as if it was happening at that very moment. Or we can experience a loss that is incredibly painful at the time but then it somehow fades into a vague memory with little emotional impact.

Grief.
Shock.
Tragedy.
Trauma.
Stagnancy.
Disbelief.
Detachment.
Regret.
Resentment.
Denial.
Anger.
Despair.
Apathy.
Panic.

Grief has so many facets, but the heart of it is loss. How do we process loss?
How do we keep going?

...

Personal Grief Stories

I thought I’d tell you a bit about me. I’m full of light these days, a positive influence and thinker, my own best friend with deep wells of self-love and compassion. But I’ve spent years cultivating this life, this mindset, this heart-space, this self-approval and personal power. (I’ll spend the rest of my life cultivating it as well.) Here are some grief experiences that actually helped me be a better version of myself.

1) UNCOVERING PAST TRAUMA

I’ll save the story for another time, but I uncovered past trauma while in medical school. It was absolute hell. It was a dissociating kind of grief that would pull me to the ground in a sobbing heaviness I couldn’t stop. I felt like I was dying of grief. I could feel it in my skin, my bones, my blood. So much of my life started making sense as I felt this upwelling of unbearable pain. I had been carrying it for decades, unknowingly, but it was actually the root of so many physical and emotional symptoms I had experienced up until then.

WHAT I LEARNED
It taught me quite personally how the body stores trauma. If you touched me in a certain way or if I heard certain words or sounds, I’d be transported back in time and frozen in an emotional hell. Thankfully, Chinese medicine can explain these phenomena and body memories in empowering and clarifying ways. Better yet, it can treat the very roots of it. What I’ve gone through and since healed now helps me to hold compassionate space for traumatized patients in a way I never would have understood otherwise. And through my practice of Chinese medicine, I can work with you to safely unlock the frozen patterns and memories caused by trauma.
(Book: Treating Emotional Trauma with Chinese Medicine)

2) ACCEPTING TRAGIC LOSS
My second story is one of tragic loss. You know, those shocking tragedies that have no good ending... it’s that kind of story. I won’t tell the tale in detail, but I’ll tell you what it has created: a legacy of light, particularly for your benefit.

I became intimately familiar with tragic loss after working for a few years at an emergency veterinary clinic in Portland, Oregon. Horrible things would happen to beloved pets; pet owners would come in frantically with said beloved pets- and sometimes, there was nothing we could do. Then it was my job to walk our clients through the euthanasia, death, and after-care process. It taught me a tremendous amount about navigating tragic times, but not until it happened to me did I understand how it felt.

In 2017, after a year of massive change and loss, my partner's beloved cat, Daphne, died in a tragic event the day that I moved into his home. Earlier that same day, we had to euthanize his dog who was failing from cancer. Six months prior, I had to urgently euthanize my sweet dog on Christmas morning. It was too much for me and my partner to process and became the foundation for which our relationship would end.

WHAT I LEARNED
Grief is not one single feeling. It's an overwhelming array of emotions we experience as we process loss. When the loss is tragic or shocking, it can be even harder to console ourselves or make sense of what has happened. This kind of experience taught me a whole new level of acceptance. It wasn't until I was able to accept what happened that I could truly reconnect with myself and heal. Now, it seems that the loss of Daphne lives on in me as a legacy of healing for others. Working closely with grieving patients has become one of my specialties.
...

Here’s what you can try for yourself if you’re facing dark times...

1) Stop running.
Distracting yourself, keeping busy, avoiding your feelings, numbing yourself, etc., are behaviors that only prolong your suffering and prevent true healing in the long run.

2) Listen to yourself.
What are you feeling? What do you need? Cultivating a compassionate and nurturing relationship with yourself is mandatory for true healing, but too often it’s avoided. To get your feelings to quiet down, you actually have to look at them and develop a compassionate relationship with them. It’s only you; don’t be scared.

3) Seek help.
We can’t heal alone. We aren’t solitary beings. We need support. Therapy, books, bodywork, herbs -and of course Chinese medicine!- are all wonderful options. If you ask for help, it will show up. Keep an open mind.

4) Permission to feel like shit.
Only you can give yourself permission to feel your feelings. Let yourself feel the pain- this will allow it to move through you and eventually out of you. Resisting your feelings forces them to grow. We aren’t machines. We’re living beings with ebbs and flows, and we absolutely must honor that in order to heal.

Take care of yourself.
-Cailin

about cailin